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Disease Alert (humor)

Latest Alert from Cornell University Veterinary School:

We have identified a new disease, probably caused by a virus among bird-owning people. It apparently has been in existence for a considerable time, but only recently has anyone identified this disease, and begun to study it. We call it the Acquired Avian Obsessive Syndrome (AAOS). At first, AAOS was originally considered to be psychological in nature, but after two young researchers here suddenly decided to become show breeders, we realized that we were dealing with an infectious agent. Epidemiologists here have identified three stages of this disease and typical symptoms, and they are:

A. You have the early symptoms (Stage I) if:

1. You think that any show within 300 miles is nearby.
2. You begin to enjoy getting up at 5 a.m. in the morning to feed and water birds.
3. It is fun to spend several hours a day cleaning cages.
4. You think you're being frugal if you spend less than $3,000 dollars a year on toys.
5. You can't remember what it was like to have just one bird.

B. You definitely have the disease (Stage II) if:

1. Your most important factor when buying a car is how many cages you can fit in it.
2. When you look for a house, the first thing you think of is how many flights you can fit on the property.
3. Your bird food bill is higher than your family's.
4. You spend as much on veterinarians as on doctors.
5. You have no money because of your birds.
6. You have to buy more than one vehicle a year, because you keep burning out the 7-year or 70,000-mile warranty going to shows.
7. Your have more pictures of the birds than of your family.
8. Your idea of a fun vacation is to hit a show circuit.
9. Most of your conversations revolve around the birds.

C. You are a terminal case (Stage III) if:

1. You wake up in the morning and find out that you put the kids in the flights and the birds in the beds last night.
2. You know each bird's name and pedigree, but can't figure out who that stranger in the house is; it turns out to be your spouse
3. Your neighbors keep insisting that those kids running around your house bothering the birds are yours.
4. You keep telling the kids to "step up" and can't understand why they won't, and why they keep objecting to being misted.
5. You cash in the kid's college trust fund to campaign the birds.
6. You've been on the road showing birds so long that you can't remember where you live.
7. Your family tells you "It's either the birds or us;" you choose the birds.

Do you have this dreaded disease? Well, there is hope. In the course of our research, we have found that most cases seem to stop at Stage II, and remain chronic. We, with great difficulty, managed to acquire several Stage III AAOS patients. They are currently in our isolation wards, where we are studying them to gain a better understanding of this disease. It is a sad sight, seeing these formerly vibrant people as they shuffle around their rooms making odd hand motions (as if "laddering" a bird) and making chirping noises. Merely saying the words "avian seminar" can send them into an uncontrollable frenzy. Unfortunately, there isn't much hope for these cases, but with time and research to further understand this disease, I we hope to come up with a cure. We are now attempting to isolate the causative agent, and may be able to develop a vaccine in the future.

An interesting sidelight of this disease seems to be that exposure at an early age has an immunizing effect. Several people afflicted with AAOS at Stage II and Stage III have close family members (children, husbands, wives) who have absolutely no disease. It is thought by some of our researchers that this may be due to environmental effects, to an age-related immune function, or to the fact that those at these stages of the disease tend not to associate with their close family members possibly due to the memory deficit induced by the disease - that is, in that they don't remember that they have close family members!

What can you do to prevent this disease? Until a cure is found, prevention is the measure. Avoid aviaries advertising "show stock," since it may be that birds are carriers of the disease. Leave town on those days that the local newspapers inform you of a show in the area. If you inadvertently come into contact with an AAOS-afflicted person, leave as soon as possible (they do tend to cling), and thoroughly shower, preferably with germicidal soap. If you are living with an AAOS-afflicted person, take comfort that, if you haven't succumbed yet, you are probably safe.

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